Wow. That's how I want to begin this post. I put so much trust into this guy, and I'm not feeling it's being reciprocated. I'm tired of taking the backseat to everything and everyone in his life. I know what I want in life, and having contact with this guy is not helping. There was a time when I thought we were on the same page, but now things have changed. It's naive of me to believe that things would not change. How can you really love someone, but put them through so much pain. Everything throughout this fake relationship has been on his terms. I'm at a point where I just want to say forget it because it's not worth the pain. I made this whole list of reasons why I love him, but I'm beginning to ask myself does the good out way the bad. And just when I think I'm over it, he comes back into my life. I'm trying to stay strong, and remember that if he really loved me things would be different. It's gotten to a point where, I feel he's become comfortable with where we are, and he doesn't want anything more. I've given him every indication that it's acceptable, so why would he want to do something differently. I've spent my nights home stressed, scared, crying because I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I believe I'm a great person, I'm not perfect, but I'm loyal, honest, and I would do anything for the person I love. I feel like I'm shown him that a number  of times, and he's done nothing but take advantage. For years I've been unhappy, and when I found him I thought things were finally getting better for me. Now it's like he's pushing me away purposely. I ask myself do you really want to hold on when all the signs are telling you to let go?

Reality..

As I sit here and think about him, I just want to cry. The reality of the situation is that he will not be here with me. Yes. We can keep in touch by phone or skype, but it won't be the same. I can handle the distance, but Im' not sure if he can handle it. As I sit here and think to myself, will he get bored? Will he rekindle what he has with his ex? I'm just confused because I go from trusting him, to thinking that the distance between us will cause us to break apart. This whole time I've been living off fate, and at times I tend to forget that. I believe in fate, I believe that's what brings us together, and that will keep us together.I just want everything to work out, and I don't want to put more pressure on the situation. I have the tendency to think too much, and read too much into situations, making them bigger than what they are. I have to remind myself of all the good he's made me feel. I have to look at this as a temporary thing. I'm still going to miss seeing his face. I'm going to miss the feeling I had every time I seen his face. Every time I'm feeling doubt in my heart, I will remember his words "no matter what happens we're going to make it work."

BAD DAY =(

Today was the day I said goodbye to my babe. This feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm just at a lost for words. I'm sad. I'm trying not to cry, but it's like every little thing reminds me of him. I miss him so much. This was not a good day for me at all. Hopefully things will get better soon.

Another Test!

Today I received some not so good news. The guy that I've grown to love is moving back to his home town. In the last post I questioned whether or not I loved him. And today I think I really know the answer to that question. I heard some place the way you know you love someone, is when you're afraid to lose that person in your life.When I learned that he would be leaving, all I could do was cry. I feel like everyone I come into contact with, and become close with leaves me. At times I feel as if I will never be happy. There are so many reason why I fell in love with him, and I do not know if I'm going to get the opportunity to show him. I'm mad, sad, confused, and scared all at the same time. I do not doubt that my love for him will change. I'm afraid that the distance between us will change things. I'm trying so hard to not cry, but at this moment that's all I want to do.

Love???

Today in my room, I've been wondering what exactly is love? I've never been in love before, and I've never had someone in my life whom genuinely loved me. I'm with someone now, and I tell him I love him all the time. I've just been thinking is it really possible to love someone, if you've never been in love before. How do you know what it feels like? How can you determine the difference between love and lust? Is it wrong to say I love you, if you're not sure of the meaning? The other day he questioned whether or not I loved him. His words that night affected me in a way that I did not expect. I began to question myself, I felt as if I could cry. I never questioned whether or not he loved me, and for him to do it to me hurt. I've showed him things I've never showed anyone. I shared moments with him that I do not want to share with anyone else. How can he question my love for him? Maybe deep down inside he's questioning his love for me.